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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351970">War is Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_at_the_helm'>annabeth_at_the_helm</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1950s, Adultery, Barebacking, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Felching, Hawkeye has a small penis, Infidelity, Korean War, M/M, Period-Typical Racism, disrespect to the military</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:21:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,324</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_at_the_helm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawkeye and Trapper fuck on top of Frank's Class As as the ultimate way to stick it to Frank--and the Army.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>"Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Banned Banned Together Bingo 2020, Banned Together Bingo 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>War is Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for "Fuck the Man" on my <a href="https://bannedtogetherbingo2020.tumblr.com/rules">Banned Together Bingo card</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Frank's gonna flip," Hawkeye said, even as they laid out his Class As on the floor of the Swamp.</p>
<p>	"He's gone to that conference with Margaret," Trapper replied. "But I think we oughta leave 'im a present on it."</p>
<p>	"Whose jizz is it going to be?" Hawkeye asked, as if this was the most normal question he'd ever asked. Trapper smiled at him with a glint to his teeth.</p>
<p>	"Since you're gonna be takin' my cock up your ass, I guess it's gonna be mine." Trapper spread Hawkeye out on the uniform, arranging him to his satisfaction. The glint was now in his eyes, too.</p>
<p>	"Giddy-up," Hawkeye said, and was gratified when Trapper laughed. Trapper poked him in the belly, then bent down to kiss him thoroughly, taking his time to explore Hawkeye's mouth, to duel with his tongue. When he released Hawkeye, Trapper's breathing had sped up and Hawkeye grabbed his wrist, caressing it even as he felt for Trapper's pulse. His heart was galloping too.</p>
<p>	"Think Frank'll even recognize a come-stain?" Trapper asked, as he pulled off his olive drab army briefs and tossed them. Hawkeye had dated women who insisted on carefully folding their discarded clothes, from their dresses to their panties, and draping them over chairs.</p>
<p>	Somehow it was more erotic and more arousing to watch Trapper fling his every which way because he was in a hurry to get to Hawkeye, to get into Hawkeye's hole.</p>
<p>	"Nah," Hawkeye said. "But that isn't the point, is it? The point is that <i>we'll</i> know. The next time Frank has to dress up…" Hawkeye snickered. Trapper yanked off his own army briefs and tossed them, too. Then he tugged on Hawkeye's freshly-exposed dick—Hawkeye had to, once again, steel himself for being bare-assed and dangly in front of Trapper, because he wasn't the most generously endowed—and distracted Hawkeye from thoughts of women. Completely.</p>
<p>	Hawkeye moaned, opened his legs, and braced himself; he didn't have long to wait before long, clever fingers were spearing him, breaking him in all over again, readying him for the enormous invasion to come—because while Hawkeye was underwhelming in the cock-size department, Trapper was <i>way</i> beyond generously endowed. He was frighteningly large, but it made Hawkeye want him even more.</p>
<p>	Cockslut might be an appropriate term to apply to him, here. Hawkeye snuffed out those thoughts because they were competing with his dick for attention, and he wanted to focus on Trapper's fingers—the ones encircling his shaft and the ones plunging in and out of his hole. Hawkeye knew that, by now, he'd be red as cherries and dripping with surgical jelly, his hole inflamed by the sensual assault, but that just made him hornier.</p>
<p>	"Hawk, are ya comfortable?" Trapper asked, and Hawkeye groaned. He raised his ass; beneath him, Frank's Class As were a little scratchy, but that was only to be expected.</p>
<p>	"When Frank gets back, which one of us is going to tell him?" Hawkeye wriggled beneath Trapper's hands.</p>
<p>"This is like literally fuckin' the army," Trapper said, bending Hawkeye's knees and hanging them over his shoulders before his fingers retreated and his dick took over, slamming into Hawkeye like a mortar shell exploding around him.</p>
<p>"Isn't that why we're doing this?" Hawkeye shoved upwards, to get as close to Trapper's pelvis as he could. Trapper agreeably moved in deeper. Hawkeye's breath hitched, and he went on, "outside this tent, everything is military-precision, and if it wouldn't garner me a blue discharge, I'd be fucking you in the middle of camp."</p>
<p>"I'd be fuckin' you, ya mean," Trapper said, punctuating his thrust. "I gotta admit, you're damn sexy with your dress uniform cap on." He thrust again; Hawkeye mewled embarrassingly in his throat, but all of that was forgotten when Trapper released Hawkeye's dick and shoved his fingers in alongside his cock.</p>
<p>	Hawkeye's body locked up on him, his balls squeezed taut, as he peeked over the edge just before slamming over it like going over a rough waterfall. He spasmed and spewed jizz everywhere, and wondered, distantly, if it would be <i>his</i> come-stains on Frank's uniform, after all.</p>
<p>	Trapper must have felt the change; his own face contorted, his body wracked with tremors, he stuffed Hawkeye so full, there was almost no room for the cream Trapper was giving him.</p>
<p>	When it was all over, and Hawkeye was an exhausted, limp dishrag on Frank's uniform, Trapper lounged next to him, sweaty and disheveled but looking like he had a lot more energy, and kept scooping come out of Hawkeye's ass and feeding it to him via his own mouth.</p>
<p>	This sort of filth was something that ought to be in Hawkeye's spank banks forever, he thought, swallowing another gob.</p>
<p>	"Jesus," he said, "did you blow a big enough load?"</p>
<p>	"Reckon we could piss off Frank even more by pissin' on it too?" Trapper asked idly, dragging his sticky fingers through Hawkeye's sparse chest hair. He was going to have a devil of a time washing his chest to get the jizz out.</p>
<p>	"I'm sure we could," Hawkeye said, grabbing those wandering dirty fingers. "But that might be pushing our luck." He grinned up at the canvas ceiling of the Swamp. "Though it would certainly be amusing to see the look on Frank's face."</p>
<p>	"Yeah, you're right. Might be takin' it too far. Frank'd string us up by our thumbnails and have us court-martialed before we could even think about takin' another leak." He sounded contemplative. "But Frank'll know somethin's up if we say we're takin' it to the laundry. That oughta complete the picture, dontcha think?"</p>
<p>	"That is a <i>great</i> idea," Hawkeye said, and rolled to kiss Trapper. Maybe there was time for round two, if Trapper could be persuaded… and always assuming Frank didn't walk in on them.</p>
<p>"We could always empty the still on it…" Trapper said musingly.</p>
<p>Hawkeye chuckled. "Not a bad idea, but right now, I need you again, if you're up for it."</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm definitely 'up for it,'" Trapper said, stroking his engorged cock obscenely.</p>
<p>By the time they were done, Hawkeye had forgotten all about dousing the Class As in gin.</p>
<p>
  <b>Epilogue</b>
</p>
<p>	"They're just two captains, Colonel! I outrank them. They aren't worthy to spit-shine my boots, much less take <i>my</i> Class As to be washed by those yellow foreign bastards!" Frank stood angrily over Henry's desk even as Hawkeye rested his crossed feet on the corner.</p>
<p>	"Those people are our allies and civilians, Frank," Henry said shortly. He adjusted his fishing hat. "Why don't you let them do you this favor? As a major, not only do you outrank them, but you might as well let them do the dirty work for you, right?"</p>
<p>	Trapper covered a laugh, obviously aware of the fact that Henry was poking fun at Frank and just as obviously that Frank would never notice the irony.</p>
<p>	"Because, Colonel," Margaret interjected, "we don't know <i>why</i> they'd want to, but I assure you, it's got to be something devious. And probably also disgusting."</p>
<p>	Hawkeye refrained from pointing out that, despite the odd drizzle of dried jizz, they had not, in fact, pissed all over it, though Trapper had been half-serious when he suggested it.</p>
<p>	But she was right. They were disgusting, and they were proud of it.</p>
<p>	Thing was, war was disgusting too, and yet Frank and Margaret would never see that fact. Hawkeye sighed.</p>
<p>	War was hell. Fucking on Frank's Class As only provided so much amusement, and then the wounded would pour in, and Hawkeye would forget what it felt like to laugh, to moan, to feel pleasure.</p>
<p>	He glanced at Trapper; their gazes caught and held, and Hawkeye knew that they were in synergy with each other.</p>
<p>	No one understood him like Trapper did, and he doubted anyone ever could.</p>
<p>	Luckily they were in this hell together, because Hawkeye didn't know what he'd do without him.</p>
<p>END</p>
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